After the Ecstasy, the Laundry - Baby blues...

Our society is backwards when it comes to having a baby (so a friend told me). We expect women to rest and put their feet up in pregnancy and after the baby get's here we immediately expect them to get back to some physical standard, back to work, back to their multi-tasking abilities and cope with adding a new personality into the mix and, oh I forgot, be sure to keep that little person alive...

When I fell into the post-partum depression hole I was surprised that most moms (or mums) have been there too. Even generations back... And I got to thinking... There is a book that I've been meaning to read for the last five years and it's called: After the Ecstasy, the Laundry.  Of course, this book has little to do with babies and more to do about assimilating into society after a spiritual awakening... but then I thought... actually, birth for me is like a spiritual awakening... and YES, there is a ton of junk that comes with it. 

So here's my Story....

red in the left eye from rotation through the pelvis

After the perfect Star was born, she latched and slept and everything was grand!  Then the health visitors said she wasn't gaining weight.  They let me go for a week continuing what I was doing but still the Star wouldn't gain weight.  Finally they said we would have to top up; either formula or expressed breast milk. I couldn't understand it! She was nursing and it seemed like she was getting a lot and it didn't hurt when she was nursing.  But she was clicking while feeding and getting lots of air into her belly (aka - wind).  So I started to express and cry and express and cry some more.  Topping up was fine but she couldn't even open her mouth wide enough to try a bottle... so we had to syringe feed. Finally I went to the British lactation consultant that saw us with Sophie. (Sophie didn't have any feeding issues but we needed help with positions and typical first time mom breastfeeding advice)  The LC (Sarah) recommended I see an osteopath first.  Apparently, due to the rapid delivery her jaw needed to be relaxed. And so we did! But not after a week of crying and trying to get her jaw to relax and syringe feeds and crying and guilt! (Insert - I would have gladly been in labor longer to not have put so much stress on her) The osteopath confirmed it and massaged her jaw and neck to help release the tension. We went back to the LC and she confirmed there was also a tongue tie!

Notice how the tongue does not extend past the lips - 1st sign TT

(What is with so many tongue ties lately??) It was 25% and the LC recommended we clip it. Seren needed to feed, NOW! And Mom needed to be relieved, NOW! So the next day, the LC (who is also certified/educated in a ton more things) came over and clipped it. It was fast! Daddy held her and Sarah clipped it. I then tried to nurse her in between cries.  While she nursed there was no clicking and then she fell asleep. When she woke up she became hysterical, I sobbed and we eventually fell asleep again. At 2am, Seren woke up to nurse and She DID IT! And then she woke again at 5am and did it again! And again and again... And then the fog lifted! All of a sudden, I could think clearly.  I didn't fear going outside or seeing people.

See during this ordeal, I had stopped wanting to go outside. I didn't want to see anyone.  I couldn't make decisions for the future. I couldn't even think past the next feed. I did a lot of crying.  And I especially didn't want to take both kids out at once.  I had to call Mike home from work several times because I couldn't cope. I cut myself off for the first month of Seren's life, and only went out when forced.  I couldn't think of any thing else... This feeding issue was my number 1 thought! And the guilt was overwhelming..

And this is why I will be a different post-partum doula! Because I've experienced this.. 

This is my dirty laundry that is airing dry at the moment because everything is appearing to be better... but this is record that once it was not and that was OK.

coping... just coping... 

It's funny how in moments of need, the community that you cultivate comes out in force to support and lift you up.  With Sophie I knew no one! It was hard because we had no family or friends near by to help.  Skype was the best outlet.  But she was the first so eventually all family wanted to come meet her.  With Seren, there is still no family close by, skype is still the best outlet but she's the second so there is less urgency to see her in person.  Luckily, the community I've created over the past 4 years has become vast and now I can't walk out my door without seeing a yoga student, a former pregnancy student, a mom friend or a doula client.  Without this community, I would likely still be in the deep depression hole.. so Thank You! Thank you for being my friend and for holding me up while I was down...

And we will continue to work on our issues... One day at a time (as several moms have siad to me)

The Birth of a Star... Seren Lou's story...

This is the Birth story of

Seren Llewellyn Rachanow...

**I'm a strong believer in writing the birth story... This is because we forget! 

We forget the important parts. And then we forget to tell our children when it's time for them to have their children.  Birth is important! One day maybe robots will be doing it for us... or maybe there will be a complete breakdown of technology and we will be doing it au natural again... Either way, it's important that you know how you got here!**

The weeks leading to your arrival were busy.  I had dreams that I was in labor but would wake up to no baby.  On April 22nd I had nothing to do... I mean nothing! No school, no yoga, no work, no cleaning, no cooking, nothing... Your big sister, Sophie lou, was at her childminders playing all day and daddy was at work; and so... I was alone with Brian the dog (of course).  I decided that maybe some TV would be fun to watch so I turned on some documentaries by a funny British presenter. I was just resting and worrying about your position. (You were ROA and I needed you to be LOA)  I felt some deep period pains every once in a while but I didn't pay them any mind at first.  After the 3rd tv show I decided to time the tightening but they were like 20 minutes apart so I just carried on with what I was doing.

Around 3:30pm I decided to take Brian on the dog walk. So we suited up!  It was a beautiful sunny Spring English day.  We were walking in front of the Cathedral when I thought it would be a good idea to call Daddy to let him know that he might have to pick me up if I couldn't make it the whole 3 miles (I also gave him shopping list).

In front of the Cathedral, after a couple steps, I felt a gush!
Like a water balloon popped in my pants. I stopped dead in my tracks! (good thing I had a pad on) Immediately, panic set in! Only 10% or so of womens waters go before the onset of labor. We don't have a history of spontaneous rupture of membranes and I know that on the British system I would only have 48 hours to birth you. The clock started ticking... So I called daddy and told him that he better come home, although he could take his time. I then called our doula, Tera.  And then we headed home, but not before Brian did a poo in the middle of a school group. le sigh..

I checked the pad and the waters were clear! (thank god!)  So I called the hospital (the Rosie Birthing unit in Cambridge).  They asked me to come in to verify that it was amniotic fluid and that they would send me home after since we were a planned home birth. So I got a bag ready!  Then I deflated the birthing pool (obviously that was bad luck to have it inflated - hormonal craziness).  Daddy got home at about 4:30pm and we headed for the hospital.  But of course it was rush hour... I was having some cramping but nothing I couldn't talk through and joke through... I told daddy all about the protocol that could/would happen and then I mentioned that we could get a Bubble tea in Cambridge after they did the check.  Of course daddy was timing the cramping and said they were 7 minutes apart so there was no way we were getting Bubble tea.  To which I replied... "what's the point then, let's just go home! Turn around"  And so we did! I called the Rosie to let them know that we weren't coming in... They said no problem, and they got in touch with the homebirth midwife. She called and said that she was going home for some tea and would call me around 6ish to see how things were going.

Around 5:30pm, we got home! I called Grandma to let her know I was in labor (she likes to know these things) and then I headed upstairs. I turned on my hypnobirthing music and I just moved around from bed to floor to bed chanting my mantra.  Meanwhile, Daddy went to go get Sophie from the childminder.  When he got back he helped me change clothes and put on the tens machine. I had gotten a towel out for the floor so I could do some yoga type moves and moaning... Daddy was trying to get the pool set up upstairs while sophie was climbing a tree in the back garden.  He then dialed Tera (the doula) and put the phone next to me and said "tell her to come now".  I called and said, "Mike needs you" and after hanging up realized that actually I probably needed her more. I ended up calling the midwife too as the cramping was getting very strong.  Much stronger than it had been with Sophie.  Sophie came and sat with me and Brian. We roared like lions... And we moved all around... and I explained that everything was okay and normal...

Around 7pm, everyone got to us!  I was on the towel on the floor... hot/cold/nauseous/etc... and the 1st midwife arrived.  I think her name was Louise, she was the conservative one... I talked at her to let her know how I was feeling and how the cramping was very strong.  Tera came in to check on me and reassure me to do what I felt.

I had no control of my body... My soul, my mind...who I am.. was just along for the ride. 

Then my body got stuck, it was like I couldn't move my legs... Tera told me to change positions.. but my mind was thinking I can't... but my body just did it!  I was on all fours and more fluid came out on the white towel.  It was yellow! Meconium! Panic!  I immediately turned to the midwives (the 2nd was there too, much more cheery) and asked if I was going to be transferred to the hospital.  They said, No!  There was no time for that.  The baby was coming... I went to the toilet and the conservative midwife said no, no... not the toilet. So I got in the pool...  It was so warm and refreshing... The perfect moment of relief! And then I felt it! The uncontrollable urge to push... The first push I could feel her move down low... the midwives said to breathe and relax... again, my mind couldn't do anything but my body just did... The second push was your head! "I can see the HEAD" said the midwife... At that time Tera brought Sophie upstairs so she could properly meet you.  One last push and I was vocal as I could be... and you floated away from me into the water, not even knowing you were born!  

7:40pm on April 22nd, 2015 ~ Earth Day and my Sisters Birthday...

The midwife picked you up and gave you to me. Your cord was long!!! Sophie saw you come out of the water.  Daddy was at one hand and the 2nd midwife was at the other.  Luckily, Tera found our camera and took some pictures. You were purple and crying and perfect! We stayed in the pool for a long time but eventually just went to our bed were we snuggled as a family for the night.

You were born at home, same as your sister, in the United Kingdom! 

And in these moments, I had a glimpse of God... and the Universe... and the meaning of life itself... I will take care of you, forever! 

"You who belong to all have become mine"

Birth of an American

Birth! It's a touchy subject! 

Everyone has an opinion on it and everyone has a story to tell. Each birth is unique and each birthing mom is coming from a special place.

First let me just say that here is your disclaimer! My views may be completely off and you have the opportunity to stop reading this right now! If you continue to read it's your own fault. 

I've been reading a lot of Ina May Gaskin (probably the most famous midwife of all times and she's American) lately and there was something that is in her book, Spiritual Midwifery, that really struck me. She says (in basic terms) that a labouring woman shouldn't complain and should just get on with it.  Specifically a mom recalls a conversation with Ina "The Farm women have a really good reputation with the local hospital because of how they had their babies, and if I started blubbering at everything, how was I going to have a baby without anesthesia?"  Ina May's husband wrote "If all your life you never do anything heavy, there's certain passages in life that are heavy. Having a baby, for instance, is one. If you be a total paddy-ass all your life they're going to have to knock you out when you have your kid, because you're going to be too chicken to have it. And if you do something that builds character ahead of time, you'll have enough character that you can have that kid, and it will be a beautiful and spiritual experience for you."

Firstly, I love the 70's language! Secondly, for some reason in my tiny American mind I was offended by this tough love idea. Not complain?!?! Seriously!  Birth is hard work and I want to complain all day long about it.  And so I really had an opportunity here to think about why I would even consider being offended by this concept.

Now this is a generalisation (which people shouldn't make but here it goes) to me it seems like Americans are wimps when it comes to birth.  There I wrote it. Before you start going nuts on me, hear me out.  I've been living in the UK for just over 2 years now. And (it might be the area I'm in) but I've seen that birth could be a different way. I hardly hear British women complaining about pain. Or complaining about anything really.  In my observation they really do live by that "Keep Calm and Carry On" propaganda poster. Strange, I know. But when it comes to birth I think they have a point.  Ina May originally wrote this book in the 70's during a sort of revolution in the States. And it still really applies now. We (or US) are scared of birth and we've been taught to be afraid. 1 in 3 women in the US will have a cesarean. Not because she needs one either. Your mom has probably told you a horrific story about how she was in twilight sleep during birth or even tied down. (historical reference) Most women will see an Obstetrician (a trained surgeon) rather than a midwife (a trained natural birth attendant).  Movies and media still show birth as a terrifying and horrific event.  And when you go to your pregnancy visits it's more likely that something unnecessary will be said to you that will make you question your natural abilities to birth a baby. (Oh, the power of words!  They can stop a mom right in the middle of birth!)  Not to mention that some OB's have never seen a baby born naturally. Strange?!?!

And your probably wondering Why?  Why is this happening?  And well, US the people that have stood up for freedom and have fought tooth and nail to preserve our freedom have been taken advantage of. Now in the birth realm, we realise that it's not other countries we need to fight but it's our own. It's a shame but we are doing this to ourselves. We are perpetuating a culture of fear!  And giving our hard earned money to medicalize birth because we are afraid of pain. It makes me sad that women are scared of pain. Don't get me wrong, I have a seriously low pain tolerance but the pain in birth is only there for a short (usually) amount of time and that pain means that there is something amazing happening with your body to bring another life into this world. And again this is a personal opinion but during birth I learned something very important. My whole life I have been trying not to Feel! I prided myself on being hard and not feeling feelings... And well during birth I learned that it's okay to feel feelings. Birth softens the soul. Without that transformation what kind of women would we be?  Or more importantly, what kind of children would we have?

And I just keep wondering what happens when birth is completely medicalized and the zombie's come and the end of the world happens. (insert humour) What then? How will women have their babies without a hospital?  But don't worry, they will! And here is the lesson - a pregnant woman has no control over birth (the process - yes, but actual birth - no). And a birth partner, OB or midwife has no control over birth either.  Birth happens! And it will happen when that baby is ready to be born.  And, well...  either you can enjoy the transition into motherhood or you can clench your teeth and fight it.  But at some stage you have to surrender to birth. And this is where I think Ina May's tough lesson comes from. What she is trying to get across is that you are strong! "Your body is stronger than your mind will ever have you believe". So just trust it! Relax and just go with it and make it a psychedelic good time...

Camping in the UK - North Wales

North Wales is by far the most beautiful place in all of the UK!

And I'm not just saying that because my family may or may not be from there. It was seriously, breath taking!  And if you come to visit us, we will try to take you there!

Prince Llewelyn 

On another furlough adventure we stayed in Snowdonia National Park.  Huge mountains! Fantastic landscapes and more history and castles than you could ever imagine. And I mean prehistoric history... Lots of stone circles and burial chambers, Roman ruins, and castles built by the two Llewelyn's!

We took a train to the top of Snowdonia Mountain and considered hiking back (until we realized we have a toddler). We checked out a Slate mine, harassed some church ladies, visited several towns, burial chambers and castles and I would still go back there in a heart beat.

Toddler attempting to run off Snowdonia mountain

In a previous life, you could probably find Mike and I rock climbing in a place like this... but a las we will need to wait for Sophie to get older to join us.

Beauty comes with a price though... On our 3 day adventure there it rained for 24 hours straight. When we got there we picked a camp site near a little stream and thought nothing of if. After 24 hours of rain I was convinced we would be washed away by the stream that turned into a river with a waterfall. Luckily, we were okay! We did have to finally splurge and buy Sophie her first pair of Wellington's (rain boots) due to the tireless effort to keep her shoes dry. But even with all that rain... it was still gorgeous!

Your history lesson for today is: North Wales was the last hold out by the Welsh against the English. This is the land where Llewelyn the Great and Prince Llewelyn came from. And if you go there you can see why they wanted to hold out. Prince Llewelyn was killed in battle by the army sent my Edward I (also known as Longshanks). (side note: one of my best friends last name is Shanks - coincidence?) Edward I then went to Wales and built a series of expensive castles so that he would hold control.  The Welsh people that basically gave Llewelyn up told the King that they would betray Llewelyn if he gave them a Prince that didn't speak English and that was born in Wales. So Edward did just that.  His wife was pregnant and gave birth to their son at Caernarfon Castle in North Wales. They say that he was born in the castle but turns out that the castle wasn't completed at the time of his birth. But any way, Edward took his son and presented him to the people and said here is your Prince of Wales; born here and doesn't speak any English. =/ And so started the tradition of the English monarch's son being the Prince of Wales...

Caernarfon Castle

Camping in the UK - Lakes district

So your probably wondering... How the heck do these people get to do so many vacations?  Well I'll tell you... Our family mission in the UK is one thing... TRAVEL! See the things that are important and find the place that we might want to retire. Cause let's be honest retiring in Maryland sounds boring!

Any way, with the furlough we have been required to take mandatory days without pay. A bitter sweet scenario really.  Here's a 20% pay cut and a day off.  Luckily, we have no outstanding debt so we are able to take the hit and walk away figuring out how to travel with less cash.  And the answer to that is.... CAMPING!!!

So this is how we did it...
1. Bought a second hand tent! Yup, that's right! Used once but totally worth it. It's a British tent so it's amazingly waterproof (cause it rains a lot here!)
2. Shop for all food at the base! The economy is still 1.6 to the $1 so no more buying food out in the world. Keep it simple and avoid the processed American junk. Hard to do but well worth the budget!
3. No alcohol! - Camping with a toddler that is constantly trying to put her life in danger this is a no brainier.
4. Cheap Campsites - All over the UK there are working farms that rent out spaces for cheap. We paid 5 pounds per person. And running drinking water is available, hot showers and toilets!
5. Take the Dog! - no dog sitting here. It's an arm and a leg to board Brian... so we take him with us.

6. Save your Pounds for the sites! - There are so many sites all over this country. I'm a fan of history so we always hit the most important historical things in the area.

Our first camping trip (and Sophie's first camping trip) was to the Lakes District - North and Westish England.  It's fantastic there! Great hiking and amazing people! We saw the towns where Beatrix Potter was inspired to write Peter Rabbit (which just happens to be Sophie's favourite show at the moment) and the place where Wordsworth was inspired to write his poetry. The landscape is amazing with hidden lakes and tall peaks to climb. Tons of animals! But not the kind you would find in the US. More tame animals like cows, sheep, birds, rabbits, etc.

Speaking of rabbits... fun fact: Lots of tourists come through the lakes district (probably because its one of the most beautiful places in England). We saw tons of Americans and Asians (is this still PC?). And the best part of the trip was when Sophie ploughed through all the tourists to watch the peter rabbit screen at the Beatrix Potter story. No one gets in her way when it comes to Peter Rabbit. The girl has passion!

When you hear the word Liverpool, What do you think? Does Slave trade come to mind? Well it should!

My mom and I had this on going disagreement that Liverpool was just more than the Beatles. She said it didn't matter. All that mattered was the best Rock Band ever came out of Liverpool... The Beatles. Ok, Who can argue with that?

Well... I can! That's who.  And since it's my blog I will!  Don't get me wrong... I dig the Beatles. I even have them on my yoga play list. And in fact, I really respect how they all went to India (a British colony, I might add) and took a very Eastern approach to things. George even learned to play the sittar.  But any way... Liverpool is more than just the Beatles!  It's been a famous place in history for a long time. The Beatles is just what we know right now...

And this is your history lesson for today... Liverpool was at the center of immigration to the New World.  In fact, they were considered the last port of call for the Slave trade.  Your probably thinking... wait a minute... slave trade?!?! Didn't they come from Africa?  Well yes! The British rounded up African's and packed them on a boat and brought them to Liverpool and sold them to the New World for fancy goods. Sounds awefully harsh now adays but that's just how it went down.  Liverpool is home to the International Slave Museum.  And if you go to Liverpool make sure you don't miss this museum.  It's free! And right down the street from the Beatles Story.  And in my opinion there should be a duplicate at the Smithsonian in Washington DC.

So you could probably tell that I'm anti-slavery.  Because I do believe that our actions have permanent consequences and I do believe that no person should belong to another. And unfortunately we have seen it over and over again that history repeats itself... And this museum sums it up by saying "The story of transatlantic slavery is a fundamental and tragic human story that must be told and retold, and never be forgotten."  Similar to the Holocaust, similar to 9/11. We must never forget these moments in history. As we can learn and evolve from every story.


These are some pictures that I took at this museum.  Our guidebook said it was worth a look at and I highly recommend it.  And again, I still have no idea why this museum isn't in the US.  Because it really should be.


So then slavery was out-lawed in England. And finally someone got the memo that it's not nice to buy and sell other people so then what did Liverpool do?  Well, it was the major Port city in England so the next big thing would be to be the center of the Immigration to the New World. And most likely if your family immigrated to America or Canada in the 1830's to 1930's it was more than likely that they came to Liverpool.

Even the Irish came through Liverpool.  It was the hub of immigration! Just like how Heathrow is the hub now, Liverpool played a very important role on getting people to North America.

And now you know that Liverpool is way more than just the Beatles. And in fact, so much has happened there that it's really the hub of change for all peoples. It just so happened that the Beatles grew there band in an area that was already historically important.  And once again put Liverpool on the map!

Wales

We took a short weekend trip to Mid and South Wales.  This is the land where my people are from... or so they say.  I'm pretty sure that most American's are just mutts and we just need to get on with being American's.  Which brings me to a funny story... One day we took a family member to Ireland and this family member went up to an Irish guy and said "oh my family is from here".  The Irish guy said "oh, I have a cousin in America. You must know them."  HAHAHAHA!!! 1st of all; everyone is Irish on St. Patricks Day.  2nd of all; there was a huge immigration in the 1800's of Irish to America so chances are most American's are Irish one way or the other.  Especially if your family was Catholic Irish because they didn't (don't) believe in birth control.  Just sayin...

I digress... back to Wales. The size of Massachusetts with 600 some odd castles.  Your probably thinking... What!?!? 600?!?!? Yup, you read this right!  The Welsh have been pretty busy fighting off the British for a long time.  So they have tons of Castles and castles ruins.  In the end, they came into the Union. But not before Prince Llewellyn got into a good fight with them.  You might be thinking... Llewellyn?!?!? I know someone with that last name... Yup, that's right... ME!  But who knows if I'm actually related to this Prince. And frankly, I'm not sure I want to be related.  Both his siblings tried to assassinate him but were unsuccessful. Kinda sounds like my family but I'm going to say that we've come a long way from then.

And after all that fighting peace came across the land (or so called peace).  The Welsh still speak their language and have signs written in Welsh.  I have to say that you've never seen so many L's in all your life!  The landscape is amazing! But if you've ever been to Pennsylvania or upstate New York you would probably understand why some Welsh immigrated to this area.  It looks almost exactly the same! Minus the harsh weather. And Plus the un tapped Coal Mining.

And so I realize that I could do the work to trace my family roots back to Wales (probably northern Wales) or I could just enjoy the nostalgia from saying I'm probably welsh.  Because after all people immigrated to the New World for all sorts of reasons... And sometimes the stories of better living out weigh the stories of Oh your great grand father might have been involved in a scheme involving a fire and insurance money at a coal mine that ended up with him having no choice but to move to America.  And this is why the old people in your family "Don't talk about it!" Le sigh...