After the Ecstasy, the Laundry - Baby blues...

Our society is backwards when it comes to having a baby (so a friend told me). We expect women to rest and put their feet up in pregnancy and after the baby get's here we immediately expect them to get back to some physical standard, back to work, back to their multi-tasking abilities and cope with adding a new personality into the mix and, oh I forgot, be sure to keep that little person alive...

When I fell into the post-partum depression hole I was surprised that most moms (or mums) have been there too. Even generations back... And I got to thinking... There is a book that I've been meaning to read for the last five years and it's called: After the Ecstasy, the Laundry.  Of course, this book has little to do with babies and more to do about assimilating into society after a spiritual awakening... but then I thought... actually, birth for me is like a spiritual awakening... and YES, there is a ton of junk that comes with it. 

So here's my Story....

red in the left eye from rotation through the pelvis

After the perfect Star was born, she latched and slept and everything was grand!  Then the health visitors said she wasn't gaining weight.  They let me go for a week continuing what I was doing but still the Star wouldn't gain weight.  Finally they said we would have to top up; either formula or expressed breast milk. I couldn't understand it! She was nursing and it seemed like she was getting a lot and it didn't hurt when she was nursing.  But she was clicking while feeding and getting lots of air into her belly (aka - wind).  So I started to express and cry and express and cry some more.  Topping up was fine but she couldn't even open her mouth wide enough to try a bottle... so we had to syringe feed. Finally I went to the British lactation consultant that saw us with Sophie. (Sophie didn't have any feeding issues but we needed help with positions and typical first time mom breastfeeding advice)  The LC (Sarah) recommended I see an osteopath first.  Apparently, due to the rapid delivery her jaw needed to be relaxed. And so we did! But not after a week of crying and trying to get her jaw to relax and syringe feeds and crying and guilt! (Insert - I would have gladly been in labor longer to not have put so much stress on her) The osteopath confirmed it and massaged her jaw and neck to help release the tension. We went back to the LC and she confirmed there was also a tongue tie!

Notice how the tongue does not extend past the lips - 1st sign TT

(What is with so many tongue ties lately??) It was 25% and the LC recommended we clip it. Seren needed to feed, NOW! And Mom needed to be relieved, NOW! So the next day, the LC (who is also certified/educated in a ton more things) came over and clipped it. It was fast! Daddy held her and Sarah clipped it. I then tried to nurse her in between cries.  While she nursed there was no clicking and then she fell asleep. When she woke up she became hysterical, I sobbed and we eventually fell asleep again. At 2am, Seren woke up to nurse and She DID IT! And then she woke again at 5am and did it again! And again and again... And then the fog lifted! All of a sudden, I could think clearly.  I didn't fear going outside or seeing people.

See during this ordeal, I had stopped wanting to go outside. I didn't want to see anyone.  I couldn't make decisions for the future. I couldn't even think past the next feed. I did a lot of crying.  And I especially didn't want to take both kids out at once.  I had to call Mike home from work several times because I couldn't cope. I cut myself off for the first month of Seren's life, and only went out when forced.  I couldn't think of any thing else... This feeding issue was my number 1 thought! And the guilt was overwhelming..

And this is why I will be a different post-partum doula! Because I've experienced this.. 

This is my dirty laundry that is airing dry at the moment because everything is appearing to be better... but this is record that once it was not and that was OK.

coping... just coping... 

It's funny how in moments of need, the community that you cultivate comes out in force to support and lift you up.  With Sophie I knew no one! It was hard because we had no family or friends near by to help.  Skype was the best outlet.  But she was the first so eventually all family wanted to come meet her.  With Seren, there is still no family close by, skype is still the best outlet but she's the second so there is less urgency to see her in person.  Luckily, the community I've created over the past 4 years has become vast and now I can't walk out my door without seeing a yoga student, a former pregnancy student, a mom friend or a doula client.  Without this community, I would likely still be in the deep depression hole.. so Thank You! Thank you for being my friend and for holding me up while I was down...

And we will continue to work on our issues... One day at a time (as several moms have siad to me)