After the Ecstasy, the Laundry - Baby blues...

Our society is backwards when it comes to having a baby (so a friend told me). We expect women to rest and put their feet up in pregnancy and after the baby get's here we immediately expect them to get back to some physical standard, back to work, back to their multi-tasking abilities and cope with adding a new personality into the mix and, oh I forgot, be sure to keep that little person alive...

When I fell into the post-partum depression hole I was surprised that most moms (or mums) have been there too. Even generations back... And I got to thinking... There is a book that I've been meaning to read for the last five years and it's called: After the Ecstasy, the Laundry.  Of course, this book has little to do with babies and more to do about assimilating into society after a spiritual awakening... but then I thought... actually, birth for me is like a spiritual awakening... and YES, there is a ton of junk that comes with it. 

So here's my Story....

red in the left eye from rotation through the pelvis

After the perfect Star was born, she latched and slept and everything was grand!  Then the health visitors said she wasn't gaining weight.  They let me go for a week continuing what I was doing but still the Star wouldn't gain weight.  Finally they said we would have to top up; either formula or expressed breast milk. I couldn't understand it! She was nursing and it seemed like she was getting a lot and it didn't hurt when she was nursing.  But she was clicking while feeding and getting lots of air into her belly (aka - wind).  So I started to express and cry and express and cry some more.  Topping up was fine but she couldn't even open her mouth wide enough to try a bottle... so we had to syringe feed. Finally I went to the British lactation consultant that saw us with Sophie. (Sophie didn't have any feeding issues but we needed help with positions and typical first time mom breastfeeding advice)  The LC (Sarah) recommended I see an osteopath first.  Apparently, due to the rapid delivery her jaw needed to be relaxed. And so we did! But not after a week of crying and trying to get her jaw to relax and syringe feeds and crying and guilt! (Insert - I would have gladly been in labor longer to not have put so much stress on her) The osteopath confirmed it and massaged her jaw and neck to help release the tension. We went back to the LC and she confirmed there was also a tongue tie!

Notice how the tongue does not extend past the lips - 1st sign TT

(What is with so many tongue ties lately??) It was 25% and the LC recommended we clip it. Seren needed to feed, NOW! And Mom needed to be relieved, NOW! So the next day, the LC (who is also certified/educated in a ton more things) came over and clipped it. It was fast! Daddy held her and Sarah clipped it. I then tried to nurse her in between cries.  While she nursed there was no clicking and then she fell asleep. When she woke up she became hysterical, I sobbed and we eventually fell asleep again. At 2am, Seren woke up to nurse and She DID IT! And then she woke again at 5am and did it again! And again and again... And then the fog lifted! All of a sudden, I could think clearly.  I didn't fear going outside or seeing people.

See during this ordeal, I had stopped wanting to go outside. I didn't want to see anyone.  I couldn't make decisions for the future. I couldn't even think past the next feed. I did a lot of crying.  And I especially didn't want to take both kids out at once.  I had to call Mike home from work several times because I couldn't cope. I cut myself off for the first month of Seren's life, and only went out when forced.  I couldn't think of any thing else... This feeding issue was my number 1 thought! And the guilt was overwhelming..

And this is why I will be a different post-partum doula! Because I've experienced this.. 

This is my dirty laundry that is airing dry at the moment because everything is appearing to be better... but this is record that once it was not and that was OK.

coping... just coping... 

It's funny how in moments of need, the community that you cultivate comes out in force to support and lift you up.  With Sophie I knew no one! It was hard because we had no family or friends near by to help.  Skype was the best outlet.  But she was the first so eventually all family wanted to come meet her.  With Seren, there is still no family close by, skype is still the best outlet but she's the second so there is less urgency to see her in person.  Luckily, the community I've created over the past 4 years has become vast and now I can't walk out my door without seeing a yoga student, a former pregnancy student, a mom friend or a doula client.  Without this community, I would likely still be in the deep depression hole.. so Thank You! Thank you for being my friend and for holding me up while I was down...

And we will continue to work on our issues... One day at a time (as several moms have siad to me)

The Birth of a Star... Seren Lou's story...

This is the Birth story of

Seren Llewellyn Rachanow...

**I'm a strong believer in writing the birth story... This is because we forget! 

We forget the important parts. And then we forget to tell our children when it's time for them to have their children.  Birth is important! One day maybe robots will be doing it for us... or maybe there will be a complete breakdown of technology and we will be doing it au natural again... Either way, it's important that you know how you got here!**

The weeks leading to your arrival were busy.  I had dreams that I was in labor but would wake up to no baby.  On April 22nd I had nothing to do... I mean nothing! No school, no yoga, no work, no cleaning, no cooking, nothing... Your big sister, Sophie lou, was at her childminders playing all day and daddy was at work; and so... I was alone with Brian the dog (of course).  I decided that maybe some TV would be fun to watch so I turned on some documentaries by a funny British presenter. I was just resting and worrying about your position. (You were ROA and I needed you to be LOA)  I felt some deep period pains every once in a while but I didn't pay them any mind at first.  After the 3rd tv show I decided to time the tightening but they were like 20 minutes apart so I just carried on with what I was doing.

Around 3:30pm I decided to take Brian on the dog walk. So we suited up!  It was a beautiful sunny Spring English day.  We were walking in front of the Cathedral when I thought it would be a good idea to call Daddy to let him know that he might have to pick me up if I couldn't make it the whole 3 miles (I also gave him shopping list).

In front of the Cathedral, after a couple steps, I felt a gush!
Like a water balloon popped in my pants. I stopped dead in my tracks! (good thing I had a pad on) Immediately, panic set in! Only 10% or so of womens waters go before the onset of labor. We don't have a history of spontaneous rupture of membranes and I know that on the British system I would only have 48 hours to birth you. The clock started ticking... So I called daddy and told him that he better come home, although he could take his time. I then called our doula, Tera.  And then we headed home, but not before Brian did a poo in the middle of a school group. le sigh..

I checked the pad and the waters were clear! (thank god!)  So I called the hospital (the Rosie Birthing unit in Cambridge).  They asked me to come in to verify that it was amniotic fluid and that they would send me home after since we were a planned home birth. So I got a bag ready!  Then I deflated the birthing pool (obviously that was bad luck to have it inflated - hormonal craziness).  Daddy got home at about 4:30pm and we headed for the hospital.  But of course it was rush hour... I was having some cramping but nothing I couldn't talk through and joke through... I told daddy all about the protocol that could/would happen and then I mentioned that we could get a Bubble tea in Cambridge after they did the check.  Of course daddy was timing the cramping and said they were 7 minutes apart so there was no way we were getting Bubble tea.  To which I replied... "what's the point then, let's just go home! Turn around"  And so we did! I called the Rosie to let them know that we weren't coming in... They said no problem, and they got in touch with the homebirth midwife. She called and said that she was going home for some tea and would call me around 6ish to see how things were going.

Around 5:30pm, we got home! I called Grandma to let her know I was in labor (she likes to know these things) and then I headed upstairs. I turned on my hypnobirthing music and I just moved around from bed to floor to bed chanting my mantra.  Meanwhile, Daddy went to go get Sophie from the childminder.  When he got back he helped me change clothes and put on the tens machine. I had gotten a towel out for the floor so I could do some yoga type moves and moaning... Daddy was trying to get the pool set up upstairs while sophie was climbing a tree in the back garden.  He then dialed Tera (the doula) and put the phone next to me and said "tell her to come now".  I called and said, "Mike needs you" and after hanging up realized that actually I probably needed her more. I ended up calling the midwife too as the cramping was getting very strong.  Much stronger than it had been with Sophie.  Sophie came and sat with me and Brian. We roared like lions... And we moved all around... and I explained that everything was okay and normal...

Around 7pm, everyone got to us!  I was on the towel on the floor... hot/cold/nauseous/etc... and the 1st midwife arrived.  I think her name was Louise, she was the conservative one... I talked at her to let her know how I was feeling and how the cramping was very strong.  Tera came in to check on me and reassure me to do what I felt.

I had no control of my body... My soul, my mind...who I am.. was just along for the ride. 

Then my body got stuck, it was like I couldn't move my legs... Tera told me to change positions.. but my mind was thinking I can't... but my body just did it!  I was on all fours and more fluid came out on the white towel.  It was yellow! Meconium! Panic!  I immediately turned to the midwives (the 2nd was there too, much more cheery) and asked if I was going to be transferred to the hospital.  They said, No!  There was no time for that.  The baby was coming... I went to the toilet and the conservative midwife said no, no... not the toilet. So I got in the pool...  It was so warm and refreshing... The perfect moment of relief! And then I felt it! The uncontrollable urge to push... The first push I could feel her move down low... the midwives said to breathe and relax... again, my mind couldn't do anything but my body just did... The second push was your head! "I can see the HEAD" said the midwife... At that time Tera brought Sophie upstairs so she could properly meet you.  One last push and I was vocal as I could be... and you floated away from me into the water, not even knowing you were born!  

7:40pm on April 22nd, 2015 ~ Earth Day and my Sisters Birthday...

The midwife picked you up and gave you to me. Your cord was long!!! Sophie saw you come out of the water.  Daddy was at one hand and the 2nd midwife was at the other.  Luckily, Tera found our camera and took some pictures. You were purple and crying and perfect! We stayed in the pool for a long time but eventually just went to our bed were we snuggled as a family for the night.

You were born at home, same as your sister, in the United Kingdom! 

And in these moments, I had a glimpse of God... and the Universe... and the meaning of life itself... I will take care of you, forever! 

"You who belong to all have become mine"